Tuesday, September 30, 2008

want to help a student

Sep 22, 2008 5:11 PM

Subject: No Subject

want to help a student by
acting in a short film
to night?

In L.A.

Sketchy (n.):
1) Someone or something that just isn't right.
2) The feeling you get the morning after using a lot of drugs, most commonly associated with ecstasy.
3) Something unsafe.
4) Someone or something that gives off a bad feeling.

I'm sure this message is more than innocent, but you've got to think about what you're asking. You're asking a young girl to meet you, a stranger, in downtown Los Angeles, at night? To "act in a short film"? I hope you found your starlet...probably in a back alley somewhere...

you're a mess but that's ok!

Aug 11, 2008 10:19 AM

Subject: hiss

howdy hiya hey!
First off, I like your style! you're a mess but that's ok! jk. I stumbled upon your profile and decided to waste mere minutes on this silly thing. At any rate, I am moving to the LA area for this new band w/ Rob from Anthrax and Roy from Stonesour and I'm looking to meet new people. I know this is totally hit or miss but I'm a gambling man. What can I say!? I actually think we may have much in common. Hit me back.

Wow....you wanna pick up those names you just dropped? Not that impressive, unfortunately. And thanks for calling me a mess, I really appreciate it; that's exactly the first thing a girl wants to hear from a guy trying to hit on her. And dude, don't even lie and pretend you think Myspace is a "silly thing"...you must realize it is literally the only thing that might make people come to your new band's shows? The best networking tool in the entire world, the platform that has transformed promotion and taken it to a whole new level, the one thing that might give your band the slightest chance of making it, is a "silly thing"? You, good sir, need to get your priorities in order. Instead of wasting your time writing to random girls on this thing, why don't you start building a fanbase for your amazing new band with Rob from Anthrax and Roy from Stonesour. Hit me up when your album goes platinum....then we'll talk.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

$250 per hour

Aug 7, 2008 10:54 AM

Subject: wow

Baby there is no reason why u shouldn't be making more than 30k...let me help u. I can get u started at $250 per hour.

R U interested???

Good lord, no.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

tell us if yr interested

Date: Jul 28, 2008 5:04 PM

Subject: hey


hii, thanks much for the add... check out our page and tell us if yr interested ;) hope to hear from u soon gorgeous

That's what I get for putting 'Swinger' on my profile. Ironically, this isn't the first message I've gotten from a couple looking to "expand their sexual boundaries"...but honestly, is this how you go about trying to find a third party to invite into your love nest? Myspace??? Yikes...I mean hey, I can appreciate a hot girl as much as anyone else, but this is just a little too random for me...and I know you guys got mad at me when I didn't respond, but to be honest, I don't add people with the intention of talking to all of them personally...so my deepest apologies. I probably wasn't the "one", anyway.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

dont mean I'm a criminal lol

Feb 22, 2006 5:38 PM



Hey mama! Is dat really u in that pic or a kute friend of urs.....lol nah I'm just joken....I saw ur profile and u seem like u mite make a good friend, but u gotta be almost as cool as me lol....u cud be sumbody I can hang out wit, thats if u think u can handle a guy like me....just get at me...and just becuz I'm black dont mean I'm a criminal lol and plz dont be intimidated by my good looks, hot body and nice car....

SON! How DARE you write these things to young ladies on MySpace. How inappropriate! You are GROUNDED, young man! Oh, I'm not your mother? My mistake. I guess I was just confused when you called me "mama". If you're as "balla" as you think you are, why aren't the girls swarming all over you? Why do you have to go out of your way to scope them out online and initiate conversation? And to be honest, guys who brag about their cars are extremely lame. I think the last few guys I dated didn't even HAVE cars, let alone nice ones - but I guess some girls are into that, so start lookin' elsewhere, homeboy.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

i am lachgar

Sep 18, 2008 7:48 PM

Subject: hi how are you?

i am lachgar i am new here you are my choice i like you

Oh, okay "Lachgar", is that how it works? Being so new, you might want to look into what Myspace actually IS. It's NOT a mail-order bride service, so why don't you crawl back inside the World of Warcraft and resume your life in the enchanted forest with the other dragons and trolls and elves and things of that sort. You can't just click "browse" and choose whoever you want....if only life were that easy. Speaking of easy, I am not. So you'd best be off.

Friday, September 19, 2008

... mmm mashed potatoes.....

Apr 11, 2006 8:01 PM

Subject:eRiN... ... ... :}

hey "thuggy" aka erin .. you don't mind if I call you that, do you ?? :P so what are you up to today? (tuesday) it's my day off from work ! i actually still need to do my taxes for this year -doh! i'm such a procrastinator :( it shouldn't take long at all though. so what are you doing in cloud cukoo today? any plans ? let's do something ! go to the arclight or get something to eat ... mmm i've been craving the woordranch ... mmm mashed potatoes..... i don't think you live to far from me, in korea town/silverlake area of los angeles; right ? anyways, i don't really have any plans, so we should do something, otherwise i'll be bored ! (and you don't want that on your conscience, right ??)


Now, Brian, this wouldn't be such an odd message if I knew you in some way, shape or form. But since I have no idea who you are, it's just a little weird. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but why should I feel guilty for not dropping everything I'm doing to entertain a complete stranger for an entire afternoon? Cloud Cuckoo? What the hell does that mean? Are you suggesting I'm flighty or high? Well, most likely the latter, but don't try and insinuate that I'm somewhat insane. If you're bored, maybe you should get started on those taxes.

can u help me lose my virginity

Mar 31, 2006 5:21 PM

Subject: No Subject

can u help me lose my virginity plz

Hmmm...I'm afraid I can't be of any help there, but if you go down to the corner of Santa Monica and Highland, there's a small donut shop next to the Subway on the northeast corner. Go inside, and ask for Madison LaRue. Don't be startled by her deep voice and manly physique. I mean hey, you wanted to lose your virginity; I guess now's not the time to be picky, eh? Oh, and there's probably no need for a condom; it probably won't protect you from whatever she's got anyway.

Thursday, September 18, 2008



Nov 25, 2005 9:22 AM

Subject: blah


i want to fuck your brains out...blah

Dude, for such a frank proposal, you couldn't have sounded a LITTLE more enthusiastic? You being so "blah" about it is the first thing that would make me NOT want to fuck your brains out; if you want to get laid, you'll have to show a little excitement. Yeah, yeah, you want to be blasé and nonchalant, but the way you're coming off is sort of like, "Bleh....you'll do.", maybe followed by a shrug. TIP: If you EVER say blah to a girl when you're trying to get some, you're asking for an instant case of blue balls.

P.S. Oh, and I'm pretty sure this was Thanksgiving, so any wanker who's sitting at home harassing girls on Myspace on Thanksgiving is already pretty pathetic, and you're just making it worse.

browsing through the chickides


Oct 25, 2005 12:24 AM

Subject: Hey hotty


Hey hows it going?good i hope.My names matt and i live in carlsbad,ca im 16 and i work at Jack in the fuckin Box and it sucks ass the food is good but it sucks ass working there well anyways i was just browsing through the chickides and i saw ur pic there and u look very hot by the way and i said to myself i could see my self hanging with this chick and so i was wondering if u would like to be one of my friends???well let me know A.S.A.P. thanx bye

Hmmmm.....thanks Matt. I noticed you only used periods in two cases, and only one of them was to end a sentence. Thanks for at least admitting you were "browsing through the chickides" [or chickadees?] - at least you were honest. But come on dude, you're only 16! You don't need to be browsing through Myspace to get a date; you should be hanging out at Crack in the Box smoking pot and making fart jokes with your buddies, and sitting in your 11th grade English class while your teacher desperately tries to teach you that "my self" is NOT two words, which you seemed to realize four words earlier but somehow forgot.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

would you like be my friend with benefit

Aug 19, 2008 7:40 AM

Subject: No Subject

hi just moved here from Rome... would you like be my friend with benefit... i am in Hollywood area

Damn, Angelo. That's pretty ballsy for someone who's barely even a citizen. I don't know if I'm supposed to swoon over your Italian charm and drop my panties, but that's not really what this message made me want to do, that's for sure. You can barely put an English sentence together, yet you've already learned the phrase "friend with benefit"...hey, if it's only one benefit, how about you get your ass in the kitchen where it belongs and cook me up some fucking incredible Italian food?? Make sure the tomatoes are vine-ripened and it's hand-squeezed olive oil.


Aug 29, 2008 5:26 PM

Subject: Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy erin!@!@!@

Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Beautiful ; D,
Im JoHn. well I saw ur profile and u seem like a great girl n i was hoping we can talk. How's the year been for u? Whatcha been up to this summer? anything exciting?

i've just been doing work, school, basketball/football, hangin out, visiting the beach, movies, music, clubs, HIN car show, road trips and celebrated my bday. wellps, have a fun n safe rest of ur summer!!

JoHn =P...3

John, you sound like a puppy that's watching his owner get the leash ready for a walk. Calm the fuck down. I understand you're excited, but there's this thing, and it's called "coming on too strong". You would have been fine after the first two sentences, but the fact that you felt the need to let me know about every activity your mom put you in at the YMCA kind of makes you seem....well.....overeager, to say the least. Oh, and thanks. I'll make sure to be safe....

beautiful heir

Aug 29, 2008 12:56 PM


beautiful heir baby


Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Im not tryin to get into your panties

Jun 12, 2008 8:49 PM

Subject: No Subject

I went through your profile inside out and the first thing that got my attention was your pics. I dont know how you look so damn cute? It cant be just the great angles ;) Of course then I also took some more time and read your profile to see that we got a few things in common. Well if you like what you see over here and read my profile as well, maybe we can talk sometime? I do want to emphasize reading my profile.. since I like to stay honest.

Oh yea Im not tryin to get into your panties..so dont get em up in a bunch already. And feel free to holla at me on AIM as royale1129 and YAHOO as royale11. I m just givin that out to you since you dont seem like a stalker.

Hit me up if you like


If I wanted to hear from an ass, I would fuckin' fart. If you went through my profile inside out, I'm pretty sure you would have been a little more specific in pointing things out, which would make any half-intelligent person realize the sheer copy/paste of this message. No one's getting their panties up in a bunch, but take the anal beads out of your ass and stop trying to make yourself look like a hot piece of shit. FAIL. Oh, and everyone feel free to IM this douche.

never mind that message.

Sep 16, 2008 11:42 AM

Subject: No Subject

never mind that message.

This is from the douche in the message below...hmmm.....

I just don't get women at all.

Sep 16, 2008 11:29 AM

Subject: No Subject

Why are American women so stuck up. Don't they understand that I want to get it crunk, I'm an American, so what if I am not Caucasian, my attitude and behavior is Caucasian. They drink alcohol, I drink alcohol...I do whatever comes to my mind.

I just don't get women at all. I work hard for what I have, I'm studying to become a Lawyer and I'm trying to make myself into a better person so why don't you treat a guy like you would treat your American people. I'm not doing this to fit in, I'm doing it because I am like that and I like to do that type of stuff. For example, sex before marriage, I don't have a problem with that, never had a problem with it and never will.

When women figure out that I am a true American and start talking to me like they talk to white guys then I know that things are turning around and that one of my dreams have come true. My dream hasn't come true yet.

I plan on getting married some day but I need a girl to do that.

I'm not sure whether this is an attack on my political views or just this your way of asking me to marry you. Either way, it's not going to elicit a response. Ironically, I've been interested in less American guys than non-American, so....yeah. I think I treat my American people pretty damn well, so you can take your All-American dreams and shove them up your patriotic ass. I have no idea what the hell you're even talking about; you've gone off on about eighteen tangents in less than four paragraphs - you pretty much attacked me in the first sentence, which doesn't even make me want to keep reading, but I did it for entertainment value. You're never going to get your perfect American girl if you don't stop attacking them and calling them stupid in your first outreach message. Kiss my All-American ass, douchebag.

Monday, September 15, 2008

mayb u can have a life wit me

Sep 11, 2008 4:38 PM


heya baby

Heya beautiful u really caught my attention and im just want u to know that i really like u and i really wanna get to know a beautiful girl like u and mayb we can even hook up sumtime in the future but u really did catch my attention and i wish i can express how i feel bout u nd mayb one day i will but i would treat u better than any other guy and mayb u can have a life wit me in miami fl cause i movin back there in a couple of weeks so please write back cause i really do like u a lot.

My knight in shining armor! I've always longed for the day that you would write me a barely comprehensible message through MySpace, and whisk me off to your crackhouse in Miami; it's like a dream come true :) The internet really is incredible...we've never even met, and I have no idea who you are, but you can get a good enough idea of me to really, really like me, and want to have a life with me! I would like nothing more than to quit my job, sublet my apartment, leave all my friends and family and drop everything to move to Florida with you in a couple weeks...when's our flight??

Friday, September 12, 2008

i want to keep my self descreet...


May 19, 2008 5:40 PM

Subject: damn

your def a little hottie

anyway just wanted to see if you wanna talk. llookng for an open minded fem for swinging,unless thats not what you mean on your profile? if you really arent into that i didnt mean to bug. 26m 5 9 177lbs black hair brown eyed hispanic male.
hope to hear from you


May 19, 2008 5:40 PM

Subject: ps

if you are a swinger and are interested, e mail me at fun4allupep. i want to keep my self descreet......ill send you pics.

Wow...so many things to say, so little time. Why do guys always think that if they say they "just wanna talk", it's going to make the girl respond? I know you don't "just wanna talk", because if you did you wouldn't have given me all your measurements. I'm surprised you didn't include your dick size, although if you were a little more proud of it you may have, but who am I to speculate? I guess I put swinger on my profile because I date guys here and there, but tend to lack in the "relationship" department...more of a middle ground, I'd say. I wouldn't say swinger=slut, but I guess that's what you were hoping. And by the way, fun4allupep isn't an e-mail address, moron. Nor is descreet a word.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

girls lie about things like this.

Date: Sep 11, 2008 4:18 PM

I have a question for you erin

What's your opinion of my default picture? Honestly. Tell the truth because I know alot of girls lie about things like this.

First off, here's the default picture (I included two links just in case one gets deleted....NSFW!)

Link 1
Link 2

Now as lovely as this is...I'm really at a loss for words here. Wow.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008


Aug 22, 2008 2:15 AM

Subject: No Subject


now thats how feet are suppose to look i love those gorgeous ass feet and toes all due respect dammmmmmmmmmmmmm your feet are gorgeous

Okay so the backstory on this one is that I got a tattoo on the top of my foot and used it as a default a few weeks ago. (pic below) I was wondering how long it would take for the foot fetish freaks to roll in.

DUDE....first of all, you're sick. I know everyone's got their "thing", but bombarding some random girl, talking about how much you want to slobber all over her feet is literally the last thing she wants to hear. Especially when you're so eager to show your excitement that you forget to throw the "n" on the end of your "damn". That's great you think my feet are gorgeous, but what about a girl with a gorgeous mind or a generous heart? Do those things even matter anymore? Judging by this cornucopia of messages I'm providing everyone with, it doesn't really look like it. How unfortunate. Go find Paris Hilton; she's got enough feet to go around.


i tlak a lot

Aug 29, 2008 11:35 AM

Subject: No Subject

heh, i just saw your profile headline and i wa slike WTF im not dead! yeah my names Jimmy lol im not tyring ot be rude but yeah i didn't click that in my head that quick lol anyways whats up? im pretty bored=) nice hair i love red hair, i had it red before i mena mine=) i tlak a lot lol whats up with you?

Hmmm...I'm sure you're just a little overenthusiastic, but in this case, you made the wrong move. My name, at the moment, reads: Erin Michelle [R.I.P. Jimmy] - for my cousin who was killed at the beginning of August. You were, I'm sure, trying to make a connection with me, but couldn't you have done a bit more research before spouting this out? And like you said, "didn't mean to be rude", but why would you even say something in the first place that could potentially be taken as rude?? And yes, I can tell you tlak alot. You tlak so much you can't even spell it right.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

No Subject

Jun 5, 2008 9:15 PM

Subject: No Subject

You like Jews?



May 19, 2008 4:58 PM

Subject: ...


The immediate problem with this message is the "WHAT YOUR NAME??" - despite the obvious grammatical errors....my name is on the page! And above the message you're attempting to write! And no, it's not a fake name, nor does it even LOOK like it would be a fake name, like "Nikki Neurosis" or crap like that. Half the questions you asked could be answered simply by taking an extra 30 seconds to look at my page, but you're already half-cocked and impatient, so you simply HAD to write a message that quickly. Oh, and I know I have choices, and I chose NOT to respond to such a retarded message.

Monday, September 8, 2008

I’m a little surprised at myself that I do

Mar 26, 2008 11:53 AM

Subject: No Subject

I like your style… I’m a little surprised at myself that I do, but I really do. It’s attractive. Anyway, I want to know more.

Wow....if this isn't a backhanded compliment I don't know what is. Are you basically saying you normally wouldn't dig a girl "like me", whatever the fuck that means? I'm really having difficulty finding out what the main message of this is...do you like me? Do you think I'm weird looking but you still kinda think I'm cute? What do you want to know more about? Why I look this way? Jesus. No point in even responding.

Friday, September 5, 2008

hej är izzy din man/kille?

Apr 19, 2008 3:47 AM

Subject: tjo^^

hej är izzy din man/kille? undra ba^^ kram

This is actually pretty sweet. I'm not Swedish, but there's some background explaining this message. My friends are triplets and they're Swedish, and last summer I pretended to "marry" one of them. He fake proposed to me and gave me a ring, it was all a joke about getting their green card. I translated the message and it asked if Izzy was my husband. I feel bad because I never responded, so I apologize to you if you were the one who wrote this! No, we're not actually married. It's been an ongoing joke, but no.

im tryin 2 kickit wit u and yo friends

Jul 27, 2008 1:38 AM



First of all, do you even take the time to read what you write? How on earth can someone look at a message like this and take it seriously? The caps lock key isn't meant for this, it looks like you're screaming at me. Second of all, when did the word "your" disappear from your vocabulary? I'm sorry, you vocabulary. And where am I walking to, exactly? Probably to some sick ass place where your fantasies lie, along with Neverland Ranch, R. Kelly's career and a couple of Catholic priests.

Jul 23, 2008 6:17 PM

Subject: No Subject

wasup wit it wats gud wit u im bout 2 be in hollywood dis weekend and im tryin 2 kickit wit u and yo friends so wats gud

Well hey, at least you were straightforward about it. You definitely are trying, but succeeding is a whole different story. And let's just say it doesn't have a happy ending....for you, anyway. It seriously depresses me how people, who I assume made it past fourth grade, continue to write like this. What happened to proper grammar and punctuation? And spelling things so it doesn't look like you're a complete moron? You obviously don't like the letter "h", you've made that abundantly clear...I'm not even going to go into the run-on sentence thing, but let's just say he didn't kickit wit me and my gurls dat weekend.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Looking for some Coke or Speed ........

Sep 4, 2008 4:03 PM

Subject: Dooooo ittttttt!


Looking for some Coke or Speed ........

Can you hook me up where to get me some ?

I responded, "No, sorry." and it was followed with this message:

Sep 4, 2008 4:09 PM

Subject: ittttttt!



Any other drugs ?

I got money I need ANY drugs or pills !!!

Help !

Hmmmm....maybe the fact that my status says "Erin Michelle [R.I.P. Jimmy] needs a heavy dose of dimethyltryptamine..." is leading to these bizarre drug requests. I've never done dimethyltryptamine in my life, although I'm extremely interested. This message also came from a guy who's been regularly sending me messages for the past two years, though we've never actually met. I feel bad for you, needing drugs so badly. I guess if I didn't spend half the morning puking from a god awful hangover I'd be a little more patient. *shrugs*

you know anybody who pops E?

Aug 29, 2008 4:08 PM

Subject: Hi

Hey dont wanna come thru out of place but i was wondering if by any chance you know anybody who pops E? Have a great weekend!!

Wow. Short, sweet, and to the point. I've never popped E, although I must admit I have been curious. And I can't help but wonder if you wanted someone to buy from or someone to do it with...either way, I'm not the right person to be asking. And I also wonder what exactly about my profile seemed to scream "I POP E!". FAIL.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

you and i should get drunk in the same room...

Aug 1, 2008 12:23 PM

Subject: hey...

i really think you and i should get drunk in the same room...what say you to a round at one of the many bars in the "hood? perhaps a grape swisher with a leafy, light green substance stufed inside may make you a lil happier, if so, we should hang out for sure...hit me back...peace...

As tempting as the leafy green substance sounds, why do you think we should get drunk in the same room? (aside from the obvious) Apart from that, the fact that you want to get drunk in the "hood" is a definite no-no. I don't hang out in "hoods", mostly due to the fact that the word "hood" has gained such popular gang notoriety. The definition from UrbanDictionary.com:

1. hood

a. The ghetto.
b. Someone who is from the ghetto.
c. Someone who acts like they are from the ghetto.
Other Slang: Hoodlum, Gangsta, Thug, Nigga, Pimp, Street-rat, Street Urchin, etc.
d. The foreskin of a penis.
e. Covering of the clitoris.

Not one of those sounds appealing. And unless you've got a bar under your foreskin, I assume you mean a ghetto. No.

No strings attached.

Aug 11, 2008 10:02 AM

Subject: Hi

I am definitely not here to play u...I'm just being real.

U take care of me and I'll take care of u. No strings attached. a couple of hours a week...then u continue with whatever it is u do.

Awwww...how thoughtful! You're not here to "play me", and you thought you'd let me know what it is you plan to do with me, even though you have no idea who I am and we've never spoken before in our lives. It's like you're looking for a free hooker...those don't exist, yo! Well, they do, they're just called sluts. And, despite your wishful thinking, I am not a free hooker. I mean, even a sugar daddy offer sounds more appealing than this. Jeeeezus.

Can i have ur number

Aug 20, 2008 5:09 PM

Subject: No Subject

Hi i live on Beverly and Atlantic Can i have ur number

Wow.....really?!?! Beverly and Atlantic....that's nowhere near where I live, but since you obviously poured your heart and soul into this message, of COURSE you can have my phone number!! Not to mention the fact that you're capitalizing random words in the middle of sentences and using no punctuation...major point deduction. In addition to that, you couldn't even take an extra ten seconds to think of a subject line. Damn.

What this blog is all about!

So, like many girls out there, I have been a frequent victim of the sad douchebags sitting at home, alone, jerking off to 2 Girls 1 Cup and writing random women on MySpace with the desperate hope that one of them might respond, or maybe even come over and have sex with them! (Yeah, right.)

I decided to share with you some of the disturbing, sad, and sometimes hilarious messages I've received over the past few years, and I hope you will find them as entertaining as I do.

I don't use "txt" speak, nor do I substitute numbers for words or abbreviate just for the hell of it. I consider myself to be a well-spoken girl, and on the front of my page (that no one bothers to read), it says "great spellers are a big turn-on", and there is a grammatical comic. If you're interested, feel free to visit my MySpace HERE.

I hope you enjoy it!