Tuesday, October 28, 2008

I was a hugh "DEADHEAD"

Date:
Oct 21, 2008 6:45 PM

Subject: Hey beautiful!!!

Body:
Hey Erin,
Thanks for the add. I read most of ur profile and I can't believe ur music taste. It is like a carbon copy of mine!!! I was a hugh "DEADHEAD" in college. I toured for 4 years. And Avenged Sevenfold is also amazing. I love it!!
Anyway you are very cute and we actually have a lot in common. By the way, why do you feel unappreciated? Hit me up when u can.
Luv Ya,
Mike


This message seems harmless enough, but unfortunately, you didn't inspect my profile enough. If you had, you'd have noticed that we literally have none of the same bands on our music lists...I'm not even a Grateful Dead fan! Where the hell did you pull this shit out of? I'm sure you were desperately trying to establish some common ground, but do your research please. And also, don't say "Luv Ya".

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

board games

Date:
Oct 15, 2008 12:43 PM

Subject: hi

Body:
u like Avenged Sevenfold



Date:
Oct 16, 2008 3:56 PM

Subject: No Subject

Body:
do you like to play board games



Date:
Oct 15, 2008 10:25 PM

Subject: Hey erin

Body:
When someone lives in hollywood how does it feel ?


Date:
Oct 21, 2008 1:54 PM

Subject: hey

Body:
you into casual sex with strangers




Yes, not really, fuckin' awesome, and hell no, respectively.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

i put on my ex girls gstring

Date:
Oct 18, 2008 9:47 PM

Subject: No Subject

Body:
heyyy whatss up!! I think you are pretty much one of the cutest girls ive ever seen:) haha im seriousssss hahha. im kinda wasted right now and i put on my ex girls gstring bikkini and im wearing it now hahaha. i took a pic wanna see?? hahaha

Mike



First of all, for the love of god, no. Second of all, this is what drunk scene kid typing looks like. Third, if this is your way of flirting, here's a tip: don't ever do this again. Your idea of fun is to get fucked up at home and put on g-strings? FYI, most girls aren't turned on by that. Maybe I'm not your type, if you get my drift...

Monday, October 13, 2008

so....

Date:
Apr 28, 2008 10:20 AM


Subject: so....

Body:
u ready to have that lil body rocked?



Yes. Yes I am. How did you know? It looks like you're the man for the job, right? Thank GOD someone came along, because I was really close to sticking an "I need my lil body rocked" ad in the personals, but now I don't have to! Hooray! God, I love a man who can read my mind.

Friday, October 10, 2008

r u rich?

Date:
Oct 8, 2008 11:30 AM

Subject: hi

Body:
r u rich?



I wish.

what colour are your toenails painted today

Date:
Sep 22, 2008 11:50 AM

Subject: No Subject

Body:
your beautiful!! what colour are your toenails painted today and do

you wear toe rings at all?

w/b



Woah, all the foot fetish freaks came out of the woodwork, didn't they? It's just really interesting that ALL you are interested in is how I accessorize my feet...

And for the record, hot pink and yes, respectively.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

can i have some

Date:
Jul 24, 2008 3:18 PM

Subject: RE: hi

Body:

your sexy can i have some
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Erin Michelle
Date: Jul 24, 2008 3:14 PM


My hot what?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Anonymous
Date: Jul 24, 2008 2:48 PM


whats going on ? your hot




You'll never get it.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Born to push you around

Date:
Sep 23, 2008 1:55 PM

Subject: Born to push you around

Body:
Born to push you around
You better just stay down
You pull away
He hits the flesh
You hit the ground
Mouths so full of lies
Tend to black your eyes
Just keep them closed
Keep praying
Just keep waiting

Waiting for the one
The day that never comes
When you stand up and feel the warmth
but the sunshine never comes
No the sunshine never comes

Push you cross that line
Just stay down this time
Hide in yourself
Crawl in yourself
You'll have your time
God I'll make them pay
Take it back one day
I'll end this day
I'll splatter color on this grave

Waiting for the one
The day that never comes
When you stand up and feel the warmth
but the sunshine never comes
No the sunshine never comes

Love is a four letter word
And never spoken here
Love is a four letter word
Here in this prison
I suffer this no longer
I put it into
This I swear!
This I swear!
The sun will shine
This I swear!
This I swear!
This I swear!


I don't like Metallica. And like, if you're going to send me song lyrics, you couldn't have chosen ones that made a little more sense? Since I don't know you, none of these lyrics are even applicable to the lack of relationship we have. You should have titled it, "Born to Delete This Message".

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

I'LL HELP U PAY FOR GAS

Date:
Sep 23, 2008 12:07 PM

Subject: HEY GORGEOUS

Body:
HOW ARE YOU LONG TIME NO TALK I WOULD LOVE TO GET TO KNOW U BETTER GIVE ME A CALL MY NUMBER IS 760- 366- XXXX CALL ANYTIME I'LL HELP U PAY FOR GAS SO WE CAN KICK IT I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE U ON A DATE HIT ME UP XOXOXOXOXOXO


"Long time no talk"? I don't believe we've EVER talked...which probably explains the "I WOULD LOVE TO GET TO KNOW U BETTER". So you want to take me on a date, but I have to drive? And you'll chip in for gas? That just sounds kinda weird, to be honest. This whole message looks like you're shouting at me, first of all, and it's just a little hard to deceipher. Ahhhhh I don't know I can't look at it anymore.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

want to help a student

Date:
Sep 22, 2008 5:11 PM

Subject: No Subject

Body:
want to help a student by
acting in a short film
to night?

In L.A.
dowtown

Sketchy (n.):
1) Someone or something that just isn't right.
2) The feeling you get the morning after using a lot of drugs, most commonly associated with ecstasy.
3) Something unsafe.
4) Someone or something that gives off a bad feeling.

I'm sure this message is more than innocent, but you've got to think about what you're asking. You're asking a young girl to meet you, a stranger, in downtown Los Angeles, at night? To "act in a short film"? I hope you found your starlet...probably in a back alley somewhere...

you're a mess but that's ok!

Date:
Aug 11, 2008 10:19 AM

Subject: hiss

Body:
howdy hiya hey!
First off, I like your style! you're a mess but that's ok! jk. I stumbled upon your profile and decided to waste mere minutes on this silly thing. At any rate, I am moving to the LA area for this new band w/ Rob from Anthrax and Roy from Stonesour and I'm looking to meet new people. I know this is totally hit or miss but I'm a gambling man. What can I say!? I actually think we may have much in common. Hit me back.
hd


Wow....you wanna pick up those names you just dropped? Not that impressive, unfortunately. And thanks for calling me a mess, I really appreciate it; that's exactly the first thing a girl wants to hear from a guy trying to hit on her. And dude, don't even lie and pretend you think Myspace is a "silly thing"...you must realize it is literally the only thing that might make people come to your new band's shows? The best networking tool in the entire world, the platform that has transformed promotion and taken it to a whole new level, the one thing that might give your band the slightest chance of making it, is a "silly thing"? You, good sir, need to get your priorities in order. Instead of wasting your time writing to random girls on this thing, why don't you start building a fanbase for your amazing new band with Rob from Anthrax and Roy from Stonesour. Hit me up when your album goes platinum....then we'll talk.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

$250 per hour

Date:
Aug 7, 2008 10:54 AM

Subject: wow

Body:
Baby there is no reason why u shouldn't be making more than 30k...let me help u. I can get u started at $250 per hour.

R U interested???


Good lord, no.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

tell us if yr interested

Date: Jul 28, 2008 5:04 PM


Subject: hey


Body:

hii, thanks much for the add... check out our page and tell us if yr interested ;) hope to hear from u soon gorgeous

That's what I get for putting 'Swinger' on my profile. Ironically, this isn't the first message I've gotten from a couple looking to "expand their sexual boundaries"...but honestly, is this how you go about trying to find a third party to invite into your love nest? Myspace??? Yikes...I mean hey, I can appreciate a hot girl as much as anyone else, but this is just a little too random for me...and I know you guys got mad at me when I didn't respond, but to be honest, I don't add people with the intention of talking to all of them personally...so my deepest apologies. I probably wasn't the "one", anyway.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

dont mean I'm a criminal lol

Date:
Feb 22, 2006 5:38 PM

Subject:

Hey

Body:
Hey mama! Is dat really u in that pic or a kute friend of urs.....lol nah I'm just joken....I saw ur profile and u seem like u mite make a good friend, but u gotta be almost as cool as me lol....u cud be sumbody I can hang out wit, thats if u think u can handle a guy like me....just get at me...and just becuz I'm black dont mean I'm a criminal lol and plz dont be intimidated by my good looks, hot body and nice car....


SON! How DARE you write these things to young ladies on MySpace. How inappropriate! You are GROUNDED, young man! Oh, I'm not your mother? My mistake. I guess I was just confused when you called me "mama". If you're as "balla" as you think you are, why aren't the girls swarming all over you? Why do you have to go out of your way to scope them out online and initiate conversation? And to be honest, guys who brag about their cars are extremely lame. I think the last few guys I dated didn't even HAVE cars, let alone nice ones - but I guess some girls are into that, so start lookin' elsewhere, homeboy.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

i am lachgar

Date:
Sep 18, 2008 7:48 PM

Subject: hi how are you?

Body:
i am lachgar i am new here you are my choice i like you



Oh, okay "Lachgar", is that how it works? Being so new, you might want to look into what Myspace actually IS. It's NOT a mail-order bride service, so why don't you crawl back inside the World of Warcraft and resume your life in the enchanted forest with the other dragons and trolls and elves and things of that sort. You can't just click "browse" and choose whoever you want....if only life were that easy. Speaking of easy, I am not. So you'd best be off.

Friday, September 19, 2008

... mmm mashed potatoes.....

Date:
Apr 11, 2006 8:01 PM

Subject:eRiN... ... ... :}

Body:
hey "thuggy" aka erin .. you don't mind if I call you that, do you ?? :P so what are you up to today? (tuesday) it's my day off from work ! i actually still need to do my taxes for this year -doh! i'm such a procrastinator :( it shouldn't take long at all though. so what are you doing in cloud cukoo today? any plans ? let's do something ! go to the arclight or get something to eat ... mmm i've been craving the woordranch ... mmm mashed potatoes..... i don't think you live to far from me, in korea town/silverlake area of los angeles; right ? anyways, i don't really have any plans, so we should do something, otherwise i'll be bored ! (and you don't want that on your conscience, right ??)

brian



Now, Brian, this wouldn't be such an odd message if I knew you in some way, shape or form. But since I have no idea who you are, it's just a little weird. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but why should I feel guilty for not dropping everything I'm doing to entertain a complete stranger for an entire afternoon? Cloud Cuckoo? What the hell does that mean? Are you suggesting I'm flighty or high? Well, most likely the latter, but don't try and insinuate that I'm somewhat insane. If you're bored, maybe you should get started on those taxes.

can u help me lose my virginity

Date:
Mar 31, 2006 5:21 PM


Subject: No Subject

Body:
can u help me lose my virginity plz



Hmmm...I'm afraid I can't be of any help there, but if you go down to the corner of Santa Monica and Highland, there's a small donut shop next to the Subway on the northeast corner. Go inside, and ask for Madison LaRue. Don't be startled by her deep voice and manly physique. I mean hey, you wanted to lose your virginity; I guess now's not the time to be picky, eh? Oh, and there's probably no need for a condom; it probably won't protect you from whatever she's got anyway.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

blah

Date:

Nov 25, 2005 9:22 AM


Subject: blah


Body:

i want to fuck your brains out...blah



Dude, for such a frank proposal, you couldn't have sounded a LITTLE more enthusiastic? You being so "blah" about it is the first thing that would make me NOT want to fuck your brains out; if you want to get laid, you'll have to show a little excitement. Yeah, yeah, you want to be blasé and nonchalant, but the way you're coming off is sort of like, "Bleh....you'll do.", maybe followed by a shrug. TIP: If you EVER say blah to a girl when you're trying to get some, you're asking for an instant case of blue balls.

P.S. Oh, and I'm pretty sure this was Thanksgiving, so any wanker who's sitting at home harassing girls on Myspace on Thanksgiving is already pretty pathetic, and you're just making it worse.

browsing through the chickides

Date:

Oct 25, 2005 12:24 AM


Subject: Hey hotty


Body:

Hey hows it going?good i hope.My names matt and i live in carlsbad,ca im 16 and i work at Jack in the fuckin Box and it sucks ass the food is good but it sucks ass working there well anyways i was just browsing through the chickides and i saw ur pic there and u look very hot by the way and i said to myself i could see my self hanging with this chick and so i was wondering if u would like to be one of my friends???well let me know A.S.A.P. thanx bye


Hmmmm.....thanks Matt. I noticed you only used periods in two cases, and only one of them was to end a sentence. Thanks for at least admitting you were "browsing through the chickides" [or chickadees?] - at least you were honest. But come on dude, you're only 16! You don't need to be browsing through Myspace to get a date; you should be hanging out at Crack in the Box smoking pot and making fart jokes with your buddies, and sitting in your 11th grade English class while your teacher desperately tries to teach you that "my self" is NOT two words, which you seemed to realize four words earlier but somehow forgot.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

would you like be my friend with benefit

Date:
Aug 19, 2008 7:40 AM

Subject: No Subject

Body:
hi just moved here from Rome... would you like be my friend with benefit... i am in Hollywood area
Angelo


Damn, Angelo. That's pretty ballsy for someone who's barely even a citizen. I don't know if I'm supposed to swoon over your Italian charm and drop my panties, but that's not really what this message made me want to do, that's for sure. You can barely put an English sentence together, yet you've already learned the phrase "friend with benefit"...hey, if it's only one benefit, how about you get your ass in the kitchen where it belongs and cook me up some fucking incredible Italian food?? Make sure the tomatoes are vine-ripened and it's hand-squeezed olive oil.