can i have ur number?

ive only had one i want more

2009-06-18T12:40:00.000-07:00

Date:
Jun 18, 2009 12:37 PM

Subject: can i fuck and

Body:
eat you out i love white girls and ive only had one i want more call me i live in the LA area my number is 323-508-XXXX my name is anthony.

I don't know Anthony, CAN you fuck? And to be honest, I don't know you; therefore do not give a crap what you want. This world isn't all about you and your sexual agenda, despite what your fucked up mind clearly thinks.

u look lk like u like to hv a good time

2009-06-10T08:14:00.000-07:00

Date:
Jun 9, 2009 9:54 AM

Subject: ur a cutie

Body:
wts up im lookin for a cutie who knows hw to have a good time, the less drama the better, anyways u look lk like u like to hv a good time, hit me up

Nt mch dde...I rlly lk gys who ovr-abbrvte. I can't even get further than that sentence without cringing...not only is it extremely annoying to read, it makes me think that you were trying to write as quickly as possible. God forbid you should include vowels to make your message even semi-coherent; nothing like a guy who says, "You know what? FUCK VOWELS."

I want to see more pics of ue feet

2009-05-18T15:35:00.000-07:00

Date:
May 18, 2009 3:26 PM

Subject: be a cool cat.

Body:
hey I want to see more pics of ue feet. How aboutit plz. Make my day.

As an amateur foot model, I charge $200.00 per photo. Each photo will only include one foot, and if you want my toes pedicured it will be an extra $75.00 per toe. Each foot is equipped with one tattoo, and if you'd like additional "foot jewelry", we can negotiate additional fees. Please visit http://www.myfeetarenotforyourjerkingoffpleasure.com/ for more information.

double quarter pounder with cheese

2009-03-01T14:06:00.000-08:00

Date:
Feb 27, 2009 4:46 PM

Subject:/

Body:
whats up double quarter pounder with cheese

??????????????????????????

U like drugs i d0 2

2009-02-11T13:50:00.001-08:00

Date:
Feb 10, 2009 2:42 PM

Subject: Hay

Body:
U like drugs i d0 2 nice l0l iam high

Umm...c0ngratUlati0nZ?

See, the difference between you and me is that I don't turn into a complete babbling moron while high, although I don't think sobering up would help you much, unfortunately. Just because you like to blaze doesn't mean you have to be an illiterate loser; I find it somewhat refreshing when I meet someone who can hold down an intelligent conversation while we toke...it shows that you use marijuana for enhancement rather than to retard yourself. Slow it down, homeboy.

CAN I HAVE UR NUMBER

2009-02-08T09:45:00.000-08:00

Date:
Feb 8, 2009 6:46 AM

Subject: No Subject

Body:
HI I LIVE ON BEVERLY AND ATLANTIC CAN I HAVE UR NUMBER

Hmmm....considering you sent me the EXACT same message in August.......no. And I suggest you stop keeping a copy/paste message because you're bound to overlap and send the same girls messages more than once....

pink bra?

2009-01-30T13:16:00.000-08:00

Date:
Jan 26, 2009 6:11 PM

Subject:No Subject

Body:
what's new?
pink bra?
like the new photos?
bored?
if ya are feel free to message back
if not bye

Bye.

do you hate fat hippies? [GUEST ENTRY]

2009-01-20T20:55:00.000-08:00

- GUEST POST -

Date: Jan 17, 2009 9:54 AM

do you hate fat hippies?

or

like to eat watermelon?

haha

eric

This is a message my friend got.

First of all, if these are the two most important concerns in your life, then you have wayyyyyyy bigger problems, my friend. I take it you're from the south, considering your love of watermelon and distaste for hippies...especially fat ones. Those are the worst. I guess it's good that you know what you're looking for in a woman; make sure you put "must hate fat hippies" and "must like to eat watermelon" in your specifications when you join eHarmony.

CONTIGO SERIA FELIS

2009-01-12T08:22:00.000-08:00

Date:
Jan 10, 2009 9:04 AM

Subject: No Subject

Body:

Dec 9, 2008 8:18 PM

DAMN MAMI CONTIGO SERIA FELIS

Now, this is just odd. Why would you copy and paste the date from a message sent over a month ago?? I'm pretty sure it wasn't a message sent to me, which means you're doing nothing but sending the same message to all kinds of different girls over and over again. For those of you who don't speak Spanish, this translates to, "Damn mami, with you I would be happy." - or, more literally, "DAMN MAMI, WITH YOU I WOULD BE HAPPY". Although I'm not entirely sure why you sent me a message in Spanish; it must have been a bout of sheer luck that I know how to speak it.

I'm in the joint and would love to get mail.

2008-12-19T20:40:00.000-08:00

Date:
Dec 19, 2008 8:31 PM

Subject: hi

Body:
Right now I'm looking for pen pals. I'm in the joint and would love to get mail. I can email but it takes so long. You can send me a letter direct and I can answer it much faster. my address is:

Jimmy Johnson # 6299XX
P.O. Box 9XXX
New Boston, TX 75570

I hope to hear from you. Have a nice day!

The funniest part about this message is that it's one of the more pleasant and respectful messages I've received on Myspace; so gentlemen: if someone in PRISON can put together a coherent and intelligent sentence, so can you! You could learn a lesson from Jimmy...

do you swallow or what

2008-12-18T12:03:00.000-08:00

Date:
Dec 18, 2008 12:02 PM

Subject: No Subject

Body:
i think your amazing... do you swallow or what... you should send me some nude, i think your hott.

If by "swallow", you mean "ignore nasty fuckin' dudes who send me disgusting messages on Myspace", then absolutely. I love how you tell me what I should do; obviously you, a complete stranger, know what's best for me. And apparently what's best for me is stripping down and taking naked pictures of myself...if I haven't done it for anyone else, why the HELL would I do it for you?? Just because you think I'm "hott" and "amazing"? This is just disgusting, I can't even continue.

XEXXY

2008-12-15T14:51:00.000-08:00

Date:
Dec 13, 2008 9:20 PM

Subject:

XEXXY

Body:
HEY XEXXY WAT U UP 2 MAMI

Well, I'm just xatching xome xelevision....

*shakes head*

10 inch's llol

2008-11-20T08:35:00.000-08:00

hey babe,, what are you up too sexy, ready to meet a guy to wear you out sexy??

im 24
6ft
mixed
170lbs
inshape
very goodlooking
10 inch's llol

im not in to game playing so if we talk the reason is to meet or contact on ph babe,, i have and meet girls from off here.. im really looking forward to talking or meeting you babe =)

Rockstar

Good. Lord. First of all, you don't even have enough balls to sign your real name or use a real picture, you used a picture of a shitty guitar and amp. Unless you string your face, I'm pretty sure that's not what you look like. For a guy who doesn't even post pictures of himself, you're pretty confident about your physical appearance, which would raise a red flag for any intelligent girl. The 10 inches thing? COME ON DUDE!!!!!! Seriously???? That's just....really really reallllllly sad. It's like you're trying to reassure me that you're attractive, yet you can't even show your face. And if you're trying to pick up a girl, the best way to do it is NOT to talk about the other girls you've creeped on. Just a little tip.

the stalker that walks awkward

2008-11-04T08:36:00.000-08:00

Date:
Oct 15, 2008 12:35 PM

Subject: Yo

Body:
Hey baby, they call me Boogie Nights, the stalker that walks awkward Stick figure, with a dick bigger than Mark Wahlberg.
What's it take to get with you?

First of all, it takes more than a really bizarre and random message, and if this is good rhyming, I must be way out of the loop because not only does this message not even make sense, it barely rhymes or flows at all...I know you're not Run DMC or anything, but come on...there are resources out there for this kind of shit. Rhyming dictionaries, thesauruses, psychiatrists, you name it.

P.S. Vote Obama.

I was a hugh "DEADHEAD"

2008-10-28T20:12:00.000-07:00

Date:
Oct 21, 2008 6:45 PM

Subject: Hey beautiful!!!

Body:
Hey Erin,
Thanks for the add. I read most of ur profile and I can't believe ur music taste. It is like a carbon copy of mine!!! I was a hugh "DEADHEAD" in college. I toured for 4 years. And Avenged Sevenfold is also amazing. I love it!!
Anyway you are very cute and we actually have a lot in common. By the way, why do you feel unappreciated? Hit me up when u can.
Luv Ya,
Mike

This message seems harmless enough, but unfortunately, you didn't inspect my profile enough. If you had, you'd have noticed that we literally have none of the same bands on our music lists...I'm not even a Grateful Dead fan! Where the hell did you pull this shit out of? I'm sure you were desperately trying to establish some common ground, but do your research please. And also, don't say "Luv Ya".

board games

2008-10-22T09:22:00.000-07:00

Date:
Oct 15, 2008 12:43 PM

Subject: hi

Body:
u like Avenged Sevenfold

Date:
Oct 16, 2008 3:56 PM

Subject: No Subject

Body:
do you like to play board games

Date:
Oct 15, 2008 10:25 PM

Subject: Hey erin

Body:
When someone lives in hollywood how does it feel ?

Date:
Oct 21, 2008 1:54 PM

Subject: hey

Body:
you into casual sex with strangers

Yes, not really, fuckin' awesome, and hell no, respectively.

i put on my ex girls gstring

2008-10-19T11:43:00.001-07:00

Date:
Oct 18, 2008 9:47 PM

Subject: No Subject

Body:
heyyy whatss up!! I think you are pretty much one of the cutest girls ive ever seen:) haha im seriousssss hahha. im kinda wasted right now and i put on my ex girls gstring bikkini and im wearing it now hahaha. i took a pic wanna see?? hahaha

Mike

First of all, for the love of god, no. Second of all, this is what drunk scene kid typing looks like. Third, if this is your way of flirting, here's a tip: don't ever do this again. Your idea of fun is to get fucked up at home and put on g-strings? FYI, most girls aren't turned on by that. Maybe I'm not your type, if you get my drift...

so....

2008-10-13T16:32:00.000-07:00

Date:
Apr 28, 2008 10:20 AM

Subject: so....

Body:
u ready to have that lil body rocked?

Yes. Yes I am. How did you know? It looks like you're the man for the job, right? Thank GOD someone came along, because I was really close to sticking an "I need my lil body rocked" ad in the personals, but now I don't have to! Hooray! God, I love a man who can read my mind.

r u rich?

2008-10-10T16:22:00.000-07:00

Date:
Oct 8, 2008 11:30 AM

Subject: hi

Body:
r u rich?

I wish.

what colour are your toenails painted today

2008-10-10T15:11:00.000-07:00

Date:
Sep 22, 2008 11:50 AM

Subject: No Subject

Body:
your beautiful!! what colour are your toenails painted today and do

you wear toe rings at all?

w/b

Woah, all the foot fetish freaks came out of the woodwork, didn't they? It's just really interesting that ALL you are interested in is how I accessorize my feet...

And for the record, hot pink and yes, respectively.

can i have some

2008-10-08T12:18:00.000-07:00

Date:
Jul 24, 2008 3:18 PM

Subject: RE: hi

Body:

your sexy can i have some
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Erin Michelle
Date: Jul 24, 2008 3:14 PM

My hot what?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Anonymous
Date: Jul 24, 2008 2:48 PM

whats going on ? your hot

You'll never get it.

Born to push you around

2008-10-03T10:18:00.000-07:00

Date:
Sep 23, 2008 1:55 PM

Subject: Born to push you around

Body:
Born to push you around
You better just stay down
You pull away
He hits the flesh
You hit the ground
Mouths so full of lies
Tend to black your eyes
Just keep them closed
Keep praying
Just keep waiting

Waiting for the one
The day that never comes
When you stand up and feel the warmth
but the sunshine never comes
No the sunshine never comes

Push you cross that line
Just stay down this time
Hide in yourself
Crawl in yourself
You'll have your time
God I'll make them pay
Take it back one day
I'll end this day
I'll splatter color on this grave

Waiting for the one
The day that never comes
When you stand up and feel the warmth
but the sunshine never comes
No the sunshine never comes

Love is a four letter word
And never spoken here
Love is a four letter word
Here in this prison
I suffer this no longer
I put it into
This I swear!
This I swear!
The sun will shine
This I swear!
This I swear!
This I swear!

I don't like Metallica. And like, if you're going to send me song lyrics, you couldn't have chosen ones that made a little more sense? Since I don't know you, none of these lyrics are even applicable to the lack of relationship we have. You should have titled it, "Born to Delete This Message".

I'LL HELP U PAY FOR GAS

2008-10-01T15:18:00.000-07:00

Date:
Sep 23, 2008 12:07 PM

Subject: HEY GORGEOUS

Body:
HOW ARE YOU LONG TIME NO TALK I WOULD LOVE TO GET TO KNOW U BETTER GIVE ME A CALL MY NUMBER IS 760- 366- XXXX CALL ANYTIME I'LL HELP U PAY FOR GAS SO WE CAN KICK IT I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE U ON A DATE HIT ME UP XOXOXOXOXOXO

"Long time no talk"? I don't believe we've EVER talked...which probably explains the "I WOULD LOVE TO GET TO KNOW U BETTER". So you want to take me on a date, but I have to drive? And you'll chip in for gas? That just sounds kinda weird, to be honest. This whole message looks like you're shouting at me, first of all, and it's just a little hard to deceipher. Ahhhhh I don't know I can't look at it anymore.

want to help a student

2008-09-30T17:41:00.000-07:00

Date:
Sep 22, 2008 5:11 PM

Subject: No Subject

Body:
want to help a student by
acting in a short film
to night?

In L.A.
dowtown

Sketchy (n.):
1) Someone or something that just isn't right.
2) The feeling you get the morning after using a lot of drugs, most commonly associated with ecstasy.
3) Something unsafe.
4) Someone or something that gives off a bad feeling.

I'm sure this message is more than innocent, but you've got to think about what you're asking. You're asking a young girl to meet you, a stranger, in downtown Los Angeles, at night? To "act in a short film"? I hope you found your starlet...probably in a back alley somewhere...

you're a mess but that's ok!

2008-09-30T10:45:00.000-07:00

Date:
Aug 11, 2008 10:19 AM

Subject: hiss

Body:
howdy hiya hey!
First off, I like your style! you're a mess but that's ok! jk. I stumbled upon your profile and decided to waste mere minutes on this silly thing. At any rate, I am moving to the LA area for this new band w/ Rob from Anthrax and Roy from Stonesour and I'm looking to meet new people. I know this is totally hit or miss but I'm a gambling man. What can I say!? I actually think we may have much in common. Hit me back.
hd

Wow....you wanna pick up those names you just dropped? Not that impressive, unfortunately. And thanks for calling me a mess, I really appreciate it; that's exactly the first thing a girl wants to hear from a guy trying to hit on her. And dude, don't even lie and pretend you think Myspace is a "silly thing"...you must realize it is literally the only thing that might make people come to your new band's shows? The best networking tool in the entire world, the platform that has transformed promotion and taken it to a whole new level, the one thing that might give your band the slightest chance of making it, is a "silly thing"? You, good sir, need to get your priorities in order. Instead of wasting your time writing to random girls on this thing, why don't you start building a fanbase for your amazing new band with Rob from Anthrax and Roy from Stonesour. Hit me up when your album goes platinum....then we'll talk.

$250 per hour

2008-09-25T11:06:00.000-07:00

Date:
Aug 7, 2008 10:54 AM

Subject: wow

Body:
Baby there is no reason why u shouldn't be making more than 30k...let me help u. I can get u started at $250 per hour.

R U interested???

Good lord, no.

tell us if yr interested

2008-09-24T12:56:00.000-07:00

Date: Jul 28, 2008 5:04 PM

Subject: hey

Body:

hii, thanks much for the add... check out our page and tell us if yr interested ;) hope to hear from u soon gorgeous

That's what I get for putting 'Swinger' on my profile. Ironically, this isn't the first message I've gotten from a couple looking to "expand their sexual boundaries"...but honestly, is this how you go about trying to find a third party to invite into your love nest? Myspace??? Yikes...I mean hey, I can appreciate a hot girl as much as anyone else, but this is just a little too random for me...and I know you guys got mad at me when I didn't respond, but to be honest, I don't add people with the intention of talking to all of them personally...so my deepest apologies. I probably wasn't the "one", anyway.

dont mean I'm a criminal lol

2008-09-23T09:10:00.000-07:00

Date:
Feb 22, 2006 5:38 PM

Subject:

Hey

Body:
Hey mama! Is dat really u in that pic or a kute friend of urs.....lol nah I'm just joken....I saw ur profile and u seem like u mite make a good friend, but u gotta be almost as cool as me lol....u cud be sumbody I can hang out wit, thats if u think u can handle a guy like me....just get at me...and just becuz I'm black dont mean I'm a criminal lol and plz dont be intimidated by my good looks, hot body and nice car....

SON! How DARE you write these things to young ladies on MySpace. How inappropriate! You are GROUNDED, young man! Oh, I'm not your mother? My mistake. I guess I was just confused when you called me "mama". If you're as "balla" as you think you are, why aren't the girls swarming all over you? Why do you have to go out of your way to scope them out online and initiate conversation? And to be honest, guys who brag about their cars are extremely lame. I think the last few guys I dated didn't even HAVE cars, let alone nice ones - but I guess some girls are into that, so start lookin' elsewhere, homeboy.

i am lachgar

2008-09-20T08:57:00.000-07:00

Date:
Sep 18, 2008 7:48 PM

Subject: hi how are you?

Body:
i am lachgar i am new here you are my choice i like you

Oh, okay "Lachgar", is that how it works? Being so new, you might want to look into what Myspace actually IS. It's NOT a mail-order bride service, so why don't you crawl back inside the World of Warcraft and resume your life in the enchanted forest with the other dragons and trolls and elves and things of that sort. You can't just click "browse" and choose whoever you want....if only life were that easy. Speaking of easy, I am not. So you'd best be off.

... mmm mashed potatoes.....

2008-09-19T12:21:00.001-07:00

Date:
Apr 11, 2006 8:01 PM

Subject:eRiN... ... ... :}

Body:
hey "thuggy" aka erin .. you don't mind if I call you that, do you ?? :P so what are you up to today? (tuesday) it's my day off from work ! i actually still need to do my taxes for this year -doh! i'm such a procrastinator :( it shouldn't take long at all though. so what are you doing in cloud cukoo today? any plans ? let's do something ! go to the arclight or get something to eat ... mmm i've been craving the woordranch ... mmm mashed potatoes..... i don't think you live to far from me, in korea town/silverlake area of los angeles; right ? anyways, i don't really have any plans, so we should do something, otherwise i'll be bored ! (and you don't want that on your conscience, right ??)

brian

Now, Brian, this wouldn't be such an odd message if I knew you in some way, shape or form. But since I have no idea who you are, it's just a little weird. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but why should I feel guilty for not dropping everything I'm doing to entertain a complete stranger for an entire afternoon? Cloud Cuckoo? What the hell does that mean? Are you suggesting I'm flighty or high? Well, most likely the latter, but don't try and insinuate that I'm somewhat insane. If you're bored, maybe you should get started on those taxes.

can u help me lose my virginity

2008-09-19T09:10:00.000-07:00

Date:
Mar 31, 2006 5:21 PM

Subject: No Subject

Body:
can u help me lose my virginity plz

Hmmm...I'm afraid I can't be of any help there, but if you go down to the corner of Santa Monica and Highland, there's a small donut shop next to the Subway on the northeast corner. Go inside, and ask for Madison LaRue. Don't be startled by her deep voice and manly physique. I mean hey, you wanted to lose your virginity; I guess now's not the time to be picky, eh? Oh, and there's probably no need for a condom; it probably won't protect you from whatever she's got anyway.

blah

2008-09-18T19:03:00.000-07:00

Date:

Nov 25, 2005 9:22 AM

Subject: blah

Body:

i want to fuck your brains out...blah

Dude, for such a frank proposal, you couldn't have sounded a LITTLE more enthusiastic? You being so "blah" about it is the first thing that would make me NOT want to fuck your brains out; if you want to get laid, you'll have to show a little excitement. Yeah, yeah, you want to be blasé and nonchalant, but the way you're coming off is sort of like, "Bleh....you'll do.", maybe followed by a shrug. TIP: If you EVER say blah to a girl when you're trying to get some, you're asking for an instant case of blue balls.

P.S. Oh, and I'm pretty sure this was Thanksgiving, so any wanker who's sitting at home harassing girls on Myspace on Thanksgiving is already pretty pathetic, and you're just making it worse.

browsing through the chickides

2008-09-18T11:00:00.000-07:00

Date:

Oct 25, 2005 12:24 AM

Subject: Hey hotty

Body:

Hey hows it going?good i hope.My names matt and i live in carlsbad,ca im 16 and i work at Jack in the fuckin Box and it sucks ass the food is good but it sucks ass working there well anyways i was just browsing through the chickides and i saw ur pic there and u look very hot by the way and i said to myself i could see my self hanging with this chick and so i was wondering if u would like to be one of my friends???well let me know A.S.A.P. thanx bye

Hmmmm.....thanks Matt. I noticed you only used periods in two cases, and only one of them was to end a sentence. Thanks for at least admitting you were "browsing through the chickides" [or chickadees?] - at least you were honest. But come on dude, you're only 16! You don't need to be browsing through Myspace to get a date; you should be hanging out at Crack in the Box smoking pot and making fart jokes with your buddies, and sitting in your 11th grade English class while your teacher desperately tries to teach you that "my self" is NOT two words, which you seemed to realize four words earlier but somehow forgot.

would you like be my friend with benefit

2008-09-17T19:03:00.000-07:00

Date:
Aug 19, 2008 7:40 AM

Subject: No Subject

Body:
hi just moved here from Rome... would you like be my friend with benefit... i am in Hollywood area
Angelo

Damn, Angelo. That's pretty ballsy for someone who's barely even a citizen. I don't know if I'm supposed to swoon over your Italian charm and drop my panties, but that's not really what this message made me want to do, that's for sure. You can barely put an English sentence together, yet you've already learned the phrase "friend with benefit"...hey, if it's only one benefit, how about you get your ass in the kitchen where it belongs and cook me up some fucking incredible Italian food?? Make sure the tomatoes are vine-ripened and it's hand-squeezed olive oil.

erin!@!@!@

2008-09-17T10:40:00.001-07:00

Date:
Aug 29, 2008 5:26 PM

Subject: Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy erin!@!@!@

Body:
Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Beautiful ; D,
Im JoHn. well I saw ur profile and u seem like a great girl n i was hoping we can talk. How's the year been for u? Whatcha been up to this summer? anything exciting?

i've just been doing work, school, basketball/football, hangin out, visiting the beach, movies, music, clubs, HIN car show, road trips and celebrated my bday. wellps, have a fun n safe rest of ur summer!!

xox,
JoHn =P...3

John, you sound like a puppy that's watching his owner get the leash ready for a walk. Calm the fuck down. I understand you're excited, but there's this thing, and it's called "coming on too strong". You would have been fine after the first two sentences, but the fact that you felt the need to let me know about every activity your mom put you in at the YMCA kind of makes you seem....well.....overeager, to say the least. Oh, and thanks. I'll make sure to be safe....

beautiful heir

2008-09-17T10:40:00.000-07:00

Date:
Aug 29, 2008 12:56 PM

Subject:yo

Body:
beautiful heir baby

FAIL.

Im not tryin to get into your panties

2008-09-16T13:11:00.000-07:00

Date:
Jun 12, 2008 8:49 PM

Subject: No Subject

Body:
I went through your profile inside out and the first thing that got my attention was your pics. I dont know how you look so damn cute? It cant be just the great angles ;) Of course then I also took some more time and read your profile to see that we got a few things in common. Well if you like what you see over here and read my profile as well, maybe we can talk sometime? I do want to emphasize reading my profile.. since I like to stay honest.

Oh yea Im not tryin to get into your panties..so dont get em up in a bunch already. And feel free to holla at me on AIM as royale1129 and YAHOO as royale11. I m just givin that out to you since you dont seem like a stalker.

Hit me up if you like

-G

If I wanted to hear from an ass, I would fuckin' fart. If you went through my profile inside out, I'm pretty sure you would have been a little more specific in pointing things out, which would make any half-intelligent person realize the sheer copy/paste of this message. No one's getting their panties up in a bunch, but take the anal beads out of your ass and stop trying to make yourself look like a hot piece of shit. FAIL. Oh, and everyone feel free to IM this douche.

never mind that message.

2008-09-16T11:49:00.001-07:00

Date:
Sep 16, 2008 11:42 AM

Subject: No Subject

Body:
never mind that message.

This is from the douche in the message below...hmmm.....

I just don't get women at all.

2008-09-16T11:14:00.000-07:00

Date:
Sep 16, 2008 11:29 AM

Subject: No Subject

Body:
Why are American women so stuck up. Don't they understand that I want to get it crunk, I'm an American, so what if I am not Caucasian, my attitude and behavior is Caucasian. They drink alcohol, I drink alcohol...I do whatever comes to my mind.

I just don't get women at all. I work hard for what I have, I'm studying to become a Lawyer and I'm trying to make myself into a better person so why don't you treat a guy like you would treat your American people. I'm not doing this to fit in, I'm doing it because I am like that and I like to do that type of stuff. For example, sex before marriage, I don't have a problem with that, never had a problem with it and never will.

When women figure out that I am a true American and start talking to me like they talk to white guys then I know that things are turning around and that one of my dreams have come true. My dream hasn't come true yet.

I plan on getting married some day but I need a girl to do that.

I'm not sure whether this is an attack on my political views or just this your way of asking me to marry you. Either way, it's not going to elicit a response. Ironically, I've been interested in less American guys than non-American, so....yeah. I think I treat my American people pretty damn well, so you can take your All-American dreams and shove them up your patriotic ass. I have no idea what the hell you're even talking about; you've gone off on about eighteen tangents in less than four paragraphs - you pretty much attacked me in the first sentence, which doesn't even make me want to keep reading, but I did it for entertainment value. You're never going to get your perfect American girl if you don't stop attacking them and calling them stupid in your first outreach message. Kiss my All-American ass, douchebag.

mayb u can have a life wit me

2008-09-15T11:55:00.000-07:00

Date:
Sep 11, 2008 4:38 PM

Subject:

heya baby

Body:
Heya beautiful u really caught my attention and im just want u to know that i really like u and i really wanna get to know a beautiful girl like u and mayb we can even hook up sumtime in the future but u really did catch my attention and i wish i can express how i feel bout u nd mayb one day i will but i would treat u better than any other guy and mayb u can have a life wit me in miami fl cause i movin back there in a couple of weeks so please write back cause i really do like u a lot.

My knight in shining armor! I've always longed for the day that you would write me a barely comprehensible message through MySpace, and whisk me off to your crackhouse in Miami; it's like a dream come true :) The internet really is incredible...we've never even met, and I have no idea who you are, but you can get a good enough idea of me to really, really like me, and want to have a life with me! I would like nothing more than to quit my job, sublet my apartment, leave all my friends and family and drop everything to move to Florida with you in a couple weeks...when's our flight??

i want to keep my self descreet...

2008-09-12T10:49:00.000-07:00

PART I

Date:
May 19, 2008 5:40 PM

Subject: damn

Body:
your def a little hottie

anyway just wanted to see if you wanna talk. llookng for an open minded fem for swinging,unless thats not what you mean on your profile? if you really arent into that i didnt mean to bug. 26m 5 9 177lbs black hair brown eyed hispanic male.
hope to hear from you

PART II

Date:
May 19, 2008 5:40 PM

Subject: ps

Body:
if you are a swinger and are interested, e mail me at fun4allupep. i want to keep my self descreet......ill send you pics.

Wow...so many things to say, so little time. Why do guys always think that if they say they "just wanna talk", it's going to make the girl respond? I know you don't "just wanna talk", because if you did you wouldn't have given me all your measurements. I'm surprised you didn't include your dick size, although if you were a little more proud of it you may have, but who am I to speculate? I guess I put swinger on my profile because I date guys here and there, but tend to lack in the "relationship" department...more of a middle ground, I'd say. I wouldn't say swinger=slut, but I guess that's what you were hoping. And by the way, fun4allupep isn't an e-mail address, moron. Nor is descreet a word.

girls lie about things like this.

2008-09-11T16:39:00.000-07:00

Date: Sep 11, 2008 4:18 PM

Subject: I have a question for you erin

Body: What's your opinion of my default picture? Honestly. Tell the truth because I know alot of girls lie about things like this.

First off, here's the default picture (I included two links just in case one gets deleted....NSFW!)

Link 1
Link 2

Now as lovely as this is...I'm really at a loss for words here. Wow.

dammmmmmmmmmmmmm

2008-09-10T17:57:00.000-07:00

Date:
Aug 22, 2008 2:15 AM

Subject: No Subject

Body:
now thats how feet are suppose to look i love those gorgeous ass feet and toes all due respect dammmmmmmmmmmmmm your feet are gorgeous

Okay so the backstory on this one is that I got a tattoo on the top of my foot and used it as a default a few weeks ago. (pic below) I was wondering how long it would take for the foot fetish freaks to roll in.

DUDE....first of all, you're sick. I know everyone's got their "thing", but bombarding some random girl, talking about how much you want to slobber all over her feet is literally the last thing she wants to hear. Especially when you're so eager to show your excitement that you forget to throw the "n" on the end of your "damn". That's great you think my feet are gorgeous, but what about a girl with a gorgeous mind or a generous heart? Do those things even matter anymore? Judging by this cornucopia of messages I'm providing everyone with, it doesn't really look like it. How unfortunate. Go find Paris Hilton; she's got enough feet to go around.

Tattoo:

i tlak a lot

2008-09-10T17:43:00.000-07:00

Date:
Aug 29, 2008 11:35 AM

Subject: No Subject

Body:
heh, i just saw your profile headline and i wa slike WTF im not dead! yeah my names Jimmy lol im not tyring ot be rude but yeah i didn't click that in my head that quick lol anyways whats up? im pretty bored=) nice hair i love red hair, i had it red before i mena mine=) i tlak a lot lol whats up with you?

Hmmm...I'm sure you're just a little overenthusiastic, but in this case, you made the wrong move. My name, at the moment, reads: Erin Michelle [R.I.P. Jimmy] - for my cousin who was killed at the beginning of August. You were, I'm sure, trying to make a connection with me, but couldn't you have done a bit more research before spouting this out? And like you said, "didn't mean to be rude", but why would you even say something in the first place that could potentially be taken as rude?? And yes, I can tell you tlak alot. You tlak so much you can't even spell it right.

No Subject

2008-09-09T11:38:00.000-07:00

Date:
Jun 5, 2008 9:15 PM

Subject: No Subject

Body:
You like Jews?

Haha

I KNOW DIS SOUNDS CORNY BUT

2008-09-09T11:05:00.000-07:00

Date:
May 19, 2008 4:58 PM

Subject: ...

Body:
WHATS GOOD WITH U LIL MAMA//??
FIRST THINGS FIRST..
WHAT YOUR NAME??
HOW OLD ARE YOU??
I KNOW DIS SOUNDS CORNY BUT WHATS UR FAVORITE COLOR??
ZODIAC..
I MEAN NO DISRESPECT IF U HAVE A B.F??
IF FOR SOME REASON U DONT WANT 2 WRITE BACK U HAVE CHOICES...

The immediate problem with this message is the "WHAT YOUR NAME??" - despite the obvious grammatical errors....my name is on the page! And above the message you're attempting to write! And no, it's not a fake name, nor does it even LOOK like it would be a fake name, like "Nikki Neurosis" or crap like that. Half the questions you asked could be answered simply by taking an extra 30 seconds to look at my page, but you're already half-cocked and impatient, so you simply HAD to write a message that quickly. Oh, and I know I have choices, and I chose NOT to respond to such a retarded message.

I’m a little surprised at myself that I do

2008-09-08T10:55:00.000-07:00

Date:
Mar 26, 2008 11:53 AM

Subject: No Subject

Body:
I like your style… I’m a little surprised at myself that I do, but I really do. It’s attractive. Anyway, I want to know more.

Wow....if this isn't a backhanded compliment I don't know what is. Are you basically saying you normally wouldn't dig a girl "like me", whatever the fuck that means? I'm really having difficulty finding out what the main message of this is...do you like me? Do you think I'm weird looking but you still kinda think I'm cute? What do you want to know more about? Why I look this way? Jesus. No point in even responding.

hej är izzy din man/kille?

2008-09-05T11:15:00.001-07:00

Date:
Apr 19, 2008 3:47 AM

Subject: tjo^^

Body:
hej är izzy din man/kille? undra ba^^ kram

This is actually pretty sweet. I'm not Swedish, but there's some background explaining this message. My friends are triplets and they're Swedish, and last summer I pretended to "marry" one of them. He fake proposed to me and gave me a ring, it was all a joke about getting their green card. I translated the message and it asked if Izzy was my husband. I feel bad because I never responded, so I apologize to you if you were the one who wrote this! No, we're not actually married. It's been an ongoing joke, but no.

im tryin 2 kickit wit u and yo friends

2008-09-05T10:24:00.000-07:00

Date:
Jul 27, 2008 1:38 AM

Subject: HEY WHATS UP

Body:
HEY GIRL WHAT YOU UP TO? HEY JUST WANTED TO SAY I RELLLY LIKE YOU PICS YOU LOOK HOT IN THEM
I REALLY LIKE YOU STYLE YOU LOOK LIKE YOU WALK OUT MY DREAMS AND FANTASIES

First of all, do you even take the time to read what you write? How on earth can someone look at a message like this and take it seriously? The caps lock key isn't meant for this, it looks like you're screaming at me. Second of all, when did the word "your" disappear from your vocabulary? I'm sorry, you vocabulary. And where am I walking to, exactly? Probably to some sick ass place where your fantasies lie, along with Neverland Ranch, R. Kelly's career and a couple of Catholic priests.

Date:
Jul 23, 2008 6:17 PM

Subject: No Subject

Body:
wasup wit it wats gud wit u im bout 2 be in hollywood dis weekend and im tryin 2 kickit wit u and yo friends so wats gud

Well hey, at least you were straightforward about it. You definitely are trying, but succeeding is a whole different story. And let's just say it doesn't have a happy ending....for you, anyway. It seriously depresses me how people, who I assume made it past fourth grade, continue to write like this. What happened to proper grammar and punctuation? And spelling things so it doesn't look like you're a complete moron? You obviously don't like the letter "h", you've made that abundantly clear...I'm not even going to go into the run-on sentence thing, but let's just say he didn't kickit wit me and my gurls dat weekend.

Looking for some Coke or Speed ........

2008-09-04T16:07:00.000-07:00

Date:
Sep 4, 2008 4:03 PM

Subject: Dooooo ittttttt!

Body:

Looking for some Coke or Speed ........

Can you hook me up where to get me some ?

I responded, "No, sorry." and it was followed with this message:

Date:
Sep 4, 2008 4:09 PM

Subject: ittttttt!

Body:

Ok.........

Any other drugs ?

I got money I need ANY drugs or pills !!!

Help !

Hmmmm....maybe the fact that my status says "Erin Michelle [R.I.P. Jimmy] needs a heavy dose of dimethyltryptamine..." is leading to these bizarre drug requests. I've never done dimethyltryptamine in my life, although I'm extremely interested. This message also came from a guy who's been regularly sending me messages for the past two years, though we've never actually met. I feel bad for you, needing drugs so badly. I guess if I didn't spend half the morning puking from a god awful hangover I'd be a little more patient. *shrugs*

you know anybody who pops E?

2008-09-04T10:56:00.000-07:00

Date:
Aug 29, 2008 4:08 PM

Subject: Hi

Body:
Hey dont wanna come thru out of place but i was wondering if by any chance you know anybody who pops E? Have a great weekend!!

Wow. Short, sweet, and to the point. I've never popped E, although I must admit I have been curious. And I can't help but wonder if you wanted someone to buy from or someone to do it with...either way, I'm not the right person to be asking. And I also wonder what exactly about my profile seemed to scream "I POP E!". FAIL.

you and i should get drunk in the same room...

2008-09-03T13:50:00.000-07:00

Date:
Aug 1, 2008 12:23 PM

Subject: hey...

Body:
i really think you and i should get drunk in the same room...what say you to a round at one of the many bars in the "hood? perhaps a grape swisher with a leafy, light green substance stufed inside may make you a lil happier, if so, we should hang out for sure...hit me back...peace...

As tempting as the leafy green substance sounds, why do you think we should get drunk in the same room? (aside from the obvious) Apart from that, the fact that you want to get drunk in the "hood" is a definite no-no. I don't hang out in "hoods", mostly due to the fact that the word "hood" has gained such popular gang notoriety. The definition from UrbanDictionary.com:

1. hood

a. The ghetto.
b. Someone who is from the ghetto.
c. Someone who acts like they are from the ghetto.
Other Slang: Hoodlum, Gangsta, Thug, Nigga, Pimp, Street-rat, Street Urchin, etc.
d. The foreskin of a penis.
e. Covering of the clitoris.

Not one of those sounds appealing. And unless you've got a bar under your foreskin, I assume you mean a ghetto. No.

No strings attached.

2008-09-03T11:51:00.000-07:00

Date:
Aug 11, 2008 10:02 AM

Subject: Hi

Body:
I am definitely not here to play u...I'm just being real.

U take care of me and I'll take care of u. No strings attached. a couple of hours a week...then u continue with whatever it is u do.

Awwww...how thoughtful! You're not here to "play me", and you thought you'd let me know what it is you plan to do with me, even though you have no idea who I am and we've never spoken before in our lives. It's like you're looking for a free hooker...those don't exist, yo! Well, they do, they're just called sluts. And, despite your wishful thinking, I am not a free hooker. I mean, even a sugar daddy offer sounds more appealing than this. Jeeeezus.

Can i have ur number

2008-09-03T11:39:00.000-07:00

Date:
Aug 20, 2008 5:09 PM

Subject: No Subject

Body:
Hi i live on Beverly and Atlantic Can i have ur number

Wow.....really?!?! Beverly and Atlantic....that's nowhere near where I live, but since you obviously poured your heart and soul into this message, of COURSE you can have my phone number!! Not to mention the fact that you're capitalizing random words in the middle of sentences and using no punctuation...major point deduction. In addition to that, you couldn't even take an extra ten seconds to think of a subject line. Damn.

What this blog is all about!

2008-09-03T11:21:00.001-07:00

So, like many girls out there, I have been a frequent victim of the sad douchebags sitting at home, alone, jerking off to 2 Girls 1 Cup and writing random women on MySpace with the desperate hope that one of them might respond, or maybe even come over and have sex with them! (Yeah, right.)

I decided to share with you some of the disturbing, sad, and sometimes hilarious messages I've received over the past few years, and I hope you will find them as entertaining as I do.

I don't use "txt" speak, nor do I substitute numbers for words or abbreviate just for the hell of it. I consider myself to be a well-spoken girl, and on the front of my page (that no one bothers to read), it says "great spellers are a big turn-on", and there is a grammatical comic. If you're interested, feel free to visit my MySpace HERE.

I hope you enjoy it!

-Erin